My Desperate Tiny Little Attempt to Write a Funny Standup Comedy Script

You know, when you’re broke, your body’s like, “Alright, team, this is not a drill! Cut the Netflix, cancel the gym membership — hell, sell the gym membership! We’re in survival mode!” You’re hustling, calculating, and somehow convincing yourself that instant noodles are a perfectly balanced meal if you just squint hard enough.

But then, you finally make it. You’re not broke anymore. You’re financially stable, you’re good.

And that fight-or-flight mode? It just… leaves.

But here’s the thing…

Your brain doesn’t get the memo!

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Suddenly, it’s 3 AM, you’re lying in bed thinking, “I paid off all my debts.

What now? Should I invest in stocks or, I don’t know… start a goat farm?”

Like, bro, you’ve got enough money to upgrade to organic Ramen now — stop acting like the apocalypse is still coming!

So now you’re financially stable, which is great, but suddenly you’ve developed this weird obsession with doing everything perfectly. Like, before, when you were broke, you didn’t care if your socks matched or if the toilet paper roll went over or under.

But now? You’re Marie Kondo-ing your spice rack at midnight, wondering if the cumin sparks enough joy.

And guilt — oh, guilt sneaks in too! It’s like your brain’s still wearing its “we’re broke” hat, whispering, “Should you really be buying those artisanal candles? What if this is the moment you jinx your entire financial future?”

It’s like your brain can’t let go of the struggle — it’s been unemployed from worrying about money, and now it’s trying to moonlight as your financial advisor, therapist, and life coach.

And then we have sleep, where it all gets weirder. Science tells us all about sleep hygiene, right? No caffeine after 2 PM, no screens before bed, keep your bedroom cool and dark.

But when you’re stuck in this guilt-ridden perfectionism spiral, suddenly you’re lying in bed trying to perfect your sleep.

You’re there like, “Is this 67 degrees or 68? Did I do the 4–7–8 breathing technique wrong? Should I be sleeping on my back like a monk, or is fetal position okay? Is my mattress firm enough?”

You’ve gone from worrying about paying rent to worrying if your Melatonin levels are Instagram-worthy. Like, dude, the point of sleep hygiene is to make sleep better, not turn it into the Olympics of bedtime rituals!

So now you’re lying there, trying to decode all this science about REM cycles and deep sleep, and it hits you:

“I went from counting pennies to counting sheep, and somehow neither helps me sleep. Maybe I just need a goat farm after all!”